Shameless Plug.

Hey My 14 followers. [I suck at this, I know.]

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know in case you aren't my friend on facebook...

I am trying to become a consultant for Lia Sophia! In order to do this I need to find people to host parties so I can start it off right.

To Host a Party:

1. Make a Guest List
2. Make Treats
3. Receive jewelry!

It really is that easy! I just need a few more people who are willing to help a sista out! :) There is a new catalog coming out in July!!!! It shouldn't be out until August, but if you host a party you can order out of the new book!

Here is the website:

LiaSophia.com

Here is a link to the new catalog (just click the 2011 Winter Catalog for the new stuff!)

http://qa.liasophia.us/sites/corporate/productcatalog?page=cataloglisting

Anyway, if you or any of your friends are interested in earning free amazing life-time warranty jewelry, contact me!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE :) Its been really hard for me to find helpers since most of my family and friends are out in Cali.

Danielle Baker

dansmell@gmail.com

liasophia.danielle@gmail.com

sometimes you write a blog you never post.

today i did that. Actually, it was about 5 seconds ago....

i cant post it.

i just write down a whole bunch of my feelings and anger and imperfections and very personal revealing details about how crappy of a person I am or could be but how I am not crappier than certain people that I want to beat within an inch of their life..... but. no.

wont post it. just saved it and will never post it. I might delete it when i get over it... that would be good therapy.

maybe its my job, where I deal with people who were incarcerated for murder, sexual abuse, rape, child abuse.... people who used crack, meth, alcohol and mj while pregnant with one of God's blessed gifts.... I could blame my job, sure.

This post is just to tell you I'm bothered and I wont tell you why.

ne-ner-ne-ner-ne-ner.

dbg

recent obessions

I have been thinking non-stop about projects and ideas that I need *ahem* want to do ASAP!

refinish cabinets

find a thrift store dining room/scrapbook table

refinish high chair

have garage sale

make a bench from head/foot board

make backdrop with doors

start a photography business... but first finish a portfolio.

AHH!

What are you obsessing about?

I want to get all of these projects done and as I do, I will make posts about how I did it, what I did and what I did wrong...

Keep ya posted!

Its finally nice weather with the bullcrap snow hopefully getting the hint that it is no longer welcome!

I might do some vlog entries as well. But as for now, I will stay home with a super sick and pathetically ill husband who is puking in sinks and buckets... first things first.

MUCH LOVE GOING OUT TO ONE OF MY BFFS BECCA TODAY! Love ya girl!

-the wife with too much to do

Slumber Party THIS FRIDAY!

Hey Ladies!

I am having a LADIES ONLY party this Friday. The product is from "Slumber Parties"! If you want any details or want to make an outside order, hit me on Facebook!

-Danielle

I keep my wand in my purse.

My dad made me a wand.

Nope, there are no typos in that sentence.

Yesterday I am leaving for work and the velvet pouch was hanging from a closet doorknob. I grab it and put it into my purse.

"Just in case things get out of hand at work", I say.

Brady laughs uncontrollably and when he finally catches his breath he asks if I expect Dementors to be attacking anytime soon.

He just doesn't get it.

The Farting Runway

Cubicles are funny things.

First of all, you never expect to find yourself in one. Then you wonder who that monster in the mirror is, clawing to get the one with the "window". You sit day in and day out, plotting and hoping to do something that will set you apart from the rest of the cube people. My square space is placed right in front of a hallway.

A long hallway.

A hallway that many people have to travel to get across the office to their desired destination. The problem is, most people don't realize that there is a person literally 1 foot away from them. What I love about that hallway is that I hear secrets. People stand in that hallway and share with other co-workers deep secrets, problems and stories from their crazy weekend. I.love.it. I live vicariously through those stories. It's awesome, it's bliss.

However, since people don't realize they are surrounded by people, they tend to do things that they normally would do in the privacy of their own home. For instance, take their shoes off and waft their sweaty, athletes foot all around my nostrils. People also like to do the other dirty "do-at-home" activity. No, not sex....yet.

Farting.

People get let those fluff biscuits out as they walk down the hallway!

step. rip step. reeerrr step. pop step. grrrr step. BURHF

Thats what we call the walking farts.

I live 8 hours of each day on The Farting Runway.

help me. it makes my throat hurt!

the inappropriate wife chronicles.

*****DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY VULGARITY!*****

maybe that should be the new name of my blog? it seems to accurately wrap up who I am. I am trying to figure out how to get the video of my new house from my husbands phone to the computer. its too large to email, to send to my phone, and to upload to facebook. Still working on it. As soon as it works, I will post it here! :) Excitement, excitement. We are painting, getting new carpet and new appliances. Then we will move in! I can't wait til this is ALL OVER and we are just living our semi-normal lives and having our inappropriate conversations in our very own house. Wow, does this make me an adult? Does this mean I have to grow up? Does THAT mean I have to be mature? buuugh. what a dirty word.

....Earlier today.....

We were walking to the car, in the snow (i HATE snow, it annoys me. I feel like its constantly patronizing me. stupid snow.) Anyway, every time I leave the house, snow seems to be the one thing that immediately puts me in a bad mood. dang utah weather. (lets just say this is the "clean" non-vulgar perspective that I have on this snow subject. I would usually have to use a lot of symbols, black outs or bleeps to explain... but I digress.)

so here it goes.

Me: "I'm freezing my balls off!"

Him: ".....I wish you didn't have balls."

Recently, I have been obsessed with the well being of my nonexistent Juevos.

Hasn't everyone had this conversation before?

db

Most Important Memories

"Memories and pictures and journals are most important...."

"Hopefully, I maintain my memory."

"You will. If not in this life, in the next."

"Selfish me, I want it in this life."

"I'm sure you wont have problems. Grammie needed that disease. You won't."

"How did you get so smart?"

"Remember, I'm perfect."

"Just like your Dad. See already with the memory thing."

Mommy-Daughter Notes

"Dear Mom, I love you. You live in a shoe. Write back."

"Dear Danielle, You're swell. Now go sit on a pail. Write back."

"Dear Mom, You're crazy!"

Some things never change.

db

Pay it Forward, Handmade.

I promise to send something handmade to the first 5 people who leave a comment here.

They must in turn post this and send something they make to the first 5 people who comment on theirs.

The rules are that it must be handmade by you and it must be sent to your 5 people sometime in 2011.

Glad I snatched a tall husband!

......but I'm still stranded without toilet paper because he is hard of hearing.

5 minutes and counting... this could be a long night.

great.

-oversharer anon.

UPDATE:

He came down...

...eventually...

I told him that I have been yelling for him for over 5 minutes.

He told me he heard.

He had been laughing the entire time...

Really? Is this what I signed up for?

race me, baby.

on the way home, when we drive two cars, we race.

.......at least thats what is happening in my mind.

I was stopped at a stoplight, the light turns green and all I see is a blue streak whizz by me. DARN YOU. (is what I should have said) Then I continued to drive, determined to beat him in his teeny tiny little baby....ahem. car. As I passed him, I waved (thats what I should have done.) He looked at me, but didnt smile.... "weird", I thought to myself....

I guess I should have waved with all 5 fingers. :)

He loves me.

-dbgwifedriver

Husbands.... They put the "GRRR" in GRRREAT.

I have been having THE MOST difficult time thinking of something to get my husband for YE OLD Christmastime. I have literally asked him multiple times every day for over a month what he wants. The answer? Always, "Nothing" or something stupid like socks. (BOOOOO!)

[I am no sock or man panties gift giver.]

Today we were watching TV and on the show the man bought a jacket for himself while shopping for his girlfriend's gift. The jacket that he happened to buy for himself was the exact same present that she had picked out months before....for Christmas. What a butt, I say.

Brady looks over at me and says "This is why I dont buy myself anything in December."

THE AUDACITY!

I look over at him... glaring.

"Are you kidding me?!" (I couldn't help myself. This anger had been bubbling up inside of me for days.)

"What?" He innocently reacts.

"You JUST bought yourself something. YESTERDAY!"

This conversation went on for a few minutes.... I couldn't stop saying "Are you kidding me"

My husband must have some version of amnesia because he bought himself a watch YESTERDAY.

That's right, less than 24 hours prior.

We went to the jeweler last week and he saw some watches he liked, reasonably priced.

BINGO! I thought to myself. FINALLY, something I can get him! He will have no idea....

He went yesterday, and picked it up. TO TOP IT ALL OFF he went without me.

(He did use a coupon we had for that jeweler and got it for free. ) My argument continued "...I could have bought that for you with MY coupon, wrapped it and you would have been SO surprised. but nooooooo...." Husbands are very easy to understand, they make women growl and they eat. (At least thats how I feel today)

GRRRR + eat

Just great.

I am so totally screwed.

dbagalicious.

Just a regular conversation between a mother and daughter

These two are to remain nameless.

Text messaging conversation, a mother randomly texts her daughter...

Mother: Is there a Fredricks of Hollywood in (unnamed town)?

Daughter: I think so....

Mother: :) I want you to try this type of bra I'm wearing. I LOVE it. So comfortable.

Daughter: Haha what one? i'm online now.

Mother: Give me a sec...I got to pop it and check. Model number (blah blah blah)

Daughter: Cant find it.

Mother: Try blah blah blah.

Daughter: Whoa. Hollywood eXXXtreme Cleavage.... with 3 x's!?

Mother: I got a white one. It is like magic hands are holding my girls up, caressing them all day.

Daughter: You are sick.

over&out

db(ahumbu)g See what I did there?

Derek Jeter, not only famous for his hits....

Have you named your Bajingo?

Mine is Derek.

Derek Jeter.

[No resemblance.]

So my Sister (inlaw) waxed my fluffy legs. (Dont be confused during this story, she was waxing my LEGS....it will be a cold day in hell if she ever waxes Derek.)

It was a sad day for me but a victory for my husband.

I was afraid it would make me cry (i have heard a lot of leg waxing horror stories)

She grabbed a hold of the corner of the muslin.....

My body tensed.

My abs were flexed, my toes were curled.

I was ready for the pain.

She ripped it off, and took my lovely locks with her. I let out all of the breath I was holding.

SUCCESS! It didn't hurt.

Then I relaxed and we started talking about waxing the lady parts. (bad idea.) THAT my friend, is the most painful wax I have had (not to mention I had the worst "lady part waxer" ever!)

If you are planning on waxing down under, be prepared. Take some drugs (the hard stuff. jk, kinda) and go in with the notion that you will come out with a limp.

(The top hurts the most, weirdly enough!)

Anyway, here we are talking about hard wax and hot wax... The lady who did Derek used both. With hard wax, you apply it to the hairy area and leave a lip so that once it has hardened you can use that lip to pull off the wax. When done properly, it is supposed to be less painful than hot wax... or something like that.

My lady part waxer did NOT leave a lip.

POOR DEREK.

........so here she is flicking away trying to create a lip of wax to pull afterwards...

Flick

OUCH...

Flick Flick

CRY..

Flick

AHHK!

[Derek said]

I'm ready for death, I thought to myself. Just kill me. I don't care. Who cares if I'm getting married in a week... if only it was possible to "cut it off"..... guys have it so easy.

[Yah I know, it was a desperate moment... I thought of everything. ]

At one point I was numb and my body just convulsed with the pain.

As me and my sister (inlaw) were talking about mine and Derek's experience, I heard a whimper of laughter coming from my right. I look over and my brother in law was standing there laughing hysterically! How appropriate.

He was tiling my in-laws entry way....I forgot.

shocker.

Then he locked himself in the bathroom to finish the tiling in there (or to get as far away from the "who-ha" talk, I'm sure)

Then she does the back of my ankle. A tiny, weak whine comes from my mouth.

Then you hear more laughter from the bathroom.

I'm glad SOMEONE was having fun...

-db

Second Edition of "you know you have a special mom when..."

....she calls you to tell you about a "store" she went to with two of her friends.

I bought two bras!

Victoria's Secret, I thought...that's not too bad. We've been there before. I can handle the thought of my mom perusing those shelves.

I.

Was.

Wrong.

Fredrick's...(Things that make you go "buuhhh" *shivers*)

Apparently she was tempted by a cute santa outfit as well.

Then we had a lengthy conversation about banana hammocks, Willey Bags and Love Sacs. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Ah, parents.

-db

Post 50. I gotta Piss.

*watching Celebrity Rehab*

"Pause it. I've gotta Piss." I said.

Thats where it all began.

My husband laughs mockingly. "I've gotta piss..." he says under his breath.

"What??" I respond innocently.

"I gotta piss" He repeated.

"Is that a bad thing to say? My mom used to tell me not to say things like that but I mean.... I always thought that she said that because, well... shes my mom." I retorted.

Blah blah blah. The conversation continued and it ends up, apparently I'm vulgar?

Who would have thought?

*raises hand*

-db

you know you have a special mom when...

....she offers to help you set up the pole in your bedroom...

yes, that kind of pole.

love ya, mom!

-db

If you're not my friend on facebook...

you should be. My statuses are better than my blogs. FOR SURE.

Although I only have 5 followers! haha My most recent posts... I am very proud of them.

My mother-in-law's favorite post:

I'm grateful for friends that become family & for family that become friends. I'm also grateful that my husband ate the loaf of bread that i was going to use for stuffing for tomorrow... because now I can't make it..

My most recent post:

Have you ever wanted to travel a great distance to open a can of the nastiest, grittiest whoop (A) on someone to teach them a lesson they will NEVER forget?! Tonight, I have. But then I realized, I can't do one-tenth of the amount of chastising to a soul that God can. She's all yours Lord, teach away.

Its true. I get mad a lot. If I didnt have values and morals and self control, I'd be in a heap of trouble. But theres nothing like when someone messes with your family. You want to "hit em where it hurts" and "make them pay". Today, I sure did. I'm not perfect. I said some dirty words today, but it helped me to not make rash decisions regarding this particular day that I heard about... The Lord blessed me with a rational mind, but I'm a quickdraw with my emotions. Thank you Lord, I love all my blessings. I'm so glad you're my Father.

i need a brush for these puppies.

i have been growing out my leg hair ALLL month.

my sister(inlaw) said that it was no-shave november... so I went with it (half-heartedly, i only grew out my leg hair, armpits freak me out when they are hairy...)

She shaved her legs last Sunday.

I have grown connected to my soft lovely locks.

I really want to keep it long if it wasn't so freakin gross. I look like a hippie.. but its just so much work to shave... it takes time, and sometimes you cut yourself and most of the time you run in to razor burn!!! UGH I don't think guys get that. Its TOO MUCH WORK!

Well, my husband will have to deal with it for a while longer. Its literally been a whole month since I shaved. I wish you could see...

db